Subject: Retire Aged People Early
Importance: High
I thought you would all like to learn of these new FedEx Programs emanating from Memphis, TN. Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to FedEx to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as FedEx deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by FedEx. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ***** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. FedEx has always prided themselves on the amount of ***** they give their employees Should you feel that you do not receive enough *****, please bring this to the attention of your manager, who has been trained to give you all the ***** you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS, Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Sincerely
Importance: High
I thought you would all like to learn of these new FedEx Programs emanating from Memphis, TN. Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to FedEx to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as FedEx deems appropriate. Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by FedEx. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much ***** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. FedEx has always prided themselves on the amount of ***** they give their employees Should you feel that you do not receive enough *****, please bring this to the attention of your manager, who has been trained to give you all the ***** you can handle. Sincerely, The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.) PS, Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
Sincerely
Early Retirement...
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